Breakfast
Breakfast
Prompts: 1st line, “She knew he was terrified of small spaces.”
Image by Přemysl Čech on Unsplash
The rumble in her stomach and the racing of her brain would prevent sleep tonight. Mabel trudged down the country road for a bite to eat, her hostess had directed her to the Sun and Moon Café. She trudged past the mouth of a dirt road that disappeared into thick black trees, roped off with a chain with mismatched links of numerous repairs. She pulled her cardigan tightly around her as a sudden gale set the chain rocking then settled as quickly it came.
Shrugging off the chill, Mabel banged through the door and onto a bar stool. Grizzled old men on either side of her clutched beers. This town was so small that the café was the morning brunch and the twilight watering hole in one.
The bartender
who stood drying a pint glass didn’t look up. “Black coffee, please. Leaded.
It’s going to be a long night!” She held
up her notebook which he ignored in favor of his dishes. “I’m still working on
my first chapter. It’s about
supernatural phenomenon. Any ideas for
some local color?”
“Young lady, you best be moving on in the morning. No need nosing around that forest.”
Early the next morning, Mabel groaned as she opened her eyes to the hazy gray light. Though she enjoyed fraternizing with the locals she was no closer to a story. She shoved her feet into her hiking boots and followed the misty line of the road back towards the café for a much needed brew, this time from coffee beans.
As she passed the entrance to the forest, she found the chain had been broken. She stopped to examine the thick green vine that had roped itself around it. Surely she would have noticed it last night? She knelt to better examine a strange flower sprouting from the vine, blood red petals with stamen covered in sticky bright green pollen. As she lowered her head to sniff, the flower shivered and sprayed her with pollen. “Eww, gross!” She jumped to her feet and vigorously brushed her jacket. The scent however did not stink. It smelled of her grandmother’s gingerbread, play-doh from preschool, freshly sharpened pencils and crisp paper, and of wet dog.
She felt a snuffling at her knee, and looked down to see. It couldn’t be! “Charley?” Her eyes bugged with disbelief, she stepped towards him and he turned to run. “Charley! Come back!” Mabel sprinted after him down the path and then deep into the trees slipping and sliding on the wet mud. She didn’t see the hole until one foot sank, and she flipped onto her stomach and raked her arms across the earth. Green tendrils wound around her wrists. She stared at the glimmering image of her pup until the plant’s teeth began to close around her shoulders, and then she shut her eyes.
The opening paragraph pulled me right in and made me want to find out what was happening. You did a good job adding sense descriptions to help us imagine Mabel’s tragedy. I had a little trouble figuring out who Mabel was to Becca. I think Becca is a journalist student investigating Mabel’s disappearance, but time indicators like “the night before” made me unsure. Maybe cutting the second paragraph and just focusing the story on Mabel might make things more clear.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your feedback! I changed my character's name, but missed one correction in my rush to submit. Thank you!
DeleteThe spooky plant life made me think of Annihilation, especially with the creepy/gross pollen spray and the way the chain transformed into a vine. I was a little confused in the first couple paragraphs about why Mabel was on the road - whether she was looking for her dog, or a student commuting to SUNY, or a writer doing research. I'm still curious about Charley's connection to the forest, whether it took him over or he's the mastermind.
ReplyDelete