Write my Fire 2020
Write My Fire - 2020
At the crest of the CoViD-19 Pandemic, I was cross-examining
my life. I found myself over-committed,
burnt out and unhappy. My father-in-law
had recently survived a brush with lymphoma. He shared with my husband and I his bucket
list: to rent a boat and motor around for a few days. Such a simple wish, yet he needed cancer to reveal
it.
My response was “not I”. Bucket lists, I decided, are bullshit. They are commensurate to waiting until your deathbed, for fear of rejection, to confess your passion to the love of your life. You may win love requited, but with procrastination you lost your life together.
The pandemic added many layers of loss. Early on I treated myself with wine and NetFlix. Entertaining but disturbing, our popular
culture teems with post-apocalyptic movies. In each the apocalypse is different, but the aftermath
is universal: we pick up the pieces, re-establish our priorities, and
rebuild. The theme is healing. The difference between stories and
real life, however, is that the apocalypse rarely has a finite end.
I debated whether to hire a life coach. I had reviewed his contract, yet uncertainty of the future paused my hand to sign. Gratefully a sister soul challenged me, "Isn't this the perfect time?". I knew my priorities were muddled, I said "yes" to too many, and I didn't know my heart’s desire. We cannot wait for our post-apocalyptic moment to begin the healing.
My healing while life coaching and socially distancing has been to establish my priorities: family, physical and emotional health. I am learning to embrace who I am and release the identity I think others expect.
I have had failures on my quest. I found an online Second City improv class fun but terrifying. I rekindled old friendships via Zoom, then remembered why we never kept in touch. I learned rather than fill the bucket with to-do lists, fill it with milk, and shake. The cream will rise to the top.
For me, the unexpected sweetness was a coaching exercise that rekindled my long lost passion for writing. My foibles make my chest hurt at times from laughter, at others from sorrow and self-doubt. I’m having a blast, who cares what anyone thinks? I haven't written since high school; the fear of rejection is crushing. Writing can be a lifeline or a noose. Still, I raise my bucket and return to the gallows for more.
Hello, my love.
Welcome back to writing! I liked the general stream of consciousness of this piece. There was one section that was a bit jarring, though, when you jumped from the Netflix & chill paragraph to the life coach quite abruptly. A bit of a segue into who may have suggested the life coach or what inspired you to seek one out would have been nice to even out the flow of the piece.
ReplyDeleteAh, I know that feeling of fulfilment from writing well. Regardless of whether its something that'll never see the light of day or something that I have published, writing is compelling.
ReplyDeleteWhile I like that you tried out a number of metaphors in this piece, because they conjure such vivid images, they sometimes worked in conflict with each other. Sticking with one (or maybe two) really strong images helps deliver your message to the reader better.
There was also a section where I was a little confused by what you'd intended. Where you say "The difference between stories and real life, however, is that the apocalypse rarely has a finite end", I wasn't sure whether you meant that fictional apocalypses have definitive end dates, or real ones do (there are contradictions to both). Perhaps a little more clarification there would have helped bring your point home.
I agree with Mel's comments above about the sudden topic jump. A little more explanation of why you went from one to the other (inactive-ish to pro-/re-active-ish) would have helped.
Thank you for such helpful feedback! I was trying to communicate too much in one piece, I will split it into different essays. I truly appreciate your thoughtful response.
DeleteFirst of all, I love the line "I learned rather than fill the bucket with to-do lists, fill it with milk, and shake. The cream will rise to the top." What a great metaphor. Second, I so know what you mean about writing. I hadn't really written since high school either, unless you count that grammar blog I wrote for a couple of years. Mostly I love it; there have been difficult moments but I've learned from them all. I love that you are writing. I always look forward to reading what you write!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, dear friend! I love that we share this. Looking forward to reading more of your work, congrats again on your publication! ❤️
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